Sacred Madness

Feelings

2010-12-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

Feelings! Nothing more than feelings!
Feelings! Nothing more than feelings!
Feelings of love!

Teardrops falling down on my face;
Trying to forget all my feelings of love.

For all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never seen it.
It can't possibly come again.

Feelings, again in my heart.
Feelings that I've never met you.
Feelings that I've never even saw you.

Feelings! I swear I've had them all my life.
I wish I've never lived this long.
Hope this feeling never comes again.

Feelings, like I've never lost you.
And feelings like I've never had you;
Here in my arms.

Feelings!!

Aidan or Big

2010-09-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Aidan:
~ Treats me with respect
~ Gives more than I can ever give him
~ Calm and peaceful
~ Sex is at its best pleasant
~ Conversations are polite
~ Is more invested in me than I am in him

Big:
~ Zsa-zsa-zsu baby!
~ When we have a conversation, it's fireworks.
~ Super flaky and immature
~ Can NEVER settle with me. Already in an "open" relationship.

Aidan or Big? That is the question!

PS: Or both?

Changed

2010-07-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I've changed in more ways than I care to account for in the past 2 years - some willingly; most out of necessity. But that's not what this post is about. I would like to view the changes through the eyes of my friends and family whom I am meeting after 2 years for a supposed vacation for 2 months. I have tried to keep my interpretations to the minimum and just state their views as such. Here goes the list:

You've changed a lot. [Read in offended tone]

You've changed a lot. [Read in approving tone]

You've become an intellectual. [Read in disgusted tone]

You've become an intellectual. [Read in admiring tone]

You've become arrogant.

You've become less obnoxious.

You've become quiter.

You've lost your soul.

You've grown up.

You've put on weight.

You've become thinner.

You've become fairer.

You've become darker.

You've become an American.

You've lost your roots.

You've become westernized.

You've become worldly.

You've become selfish.

You've become stubborn.

You've become understanding.

You've become diplomatic.

You've become tactless.

You've made us proud.

You've brought us shame.

You're headed towards doom.

You're headed towards something great.

You're a good son.

You're an ungrateful child.

You're confused.

You're clear in what you want.

You're strong.

You're naive.

You're brave.

You're a coward.

You're an egotist.

You look good.

You used to look good.

You look younger.

You look old.

You love your parents.

You don't love your parents.

Your life is immoral because you do not adhere to social norms.

Your life is wrong because you choose whom to love and how to love them.

Your life is not complete because you're not in a relationship with someone.

Your life is selfish because you do not care about what other people think of you.

Your life is sad because you do your own chores and prepare your own meals everyday.

Your life is vain because you are materialistic and do not surrender yourself to the Divine.

Your life is miserable because you are staying away from friends and family among a bunch of foreigners.

Your life is meaningless because you spend your time brooding over books instead of attending to human relationships.

Your life is purposeless because your work is self-serving and does not serve the purpose of higher good for humankind.

So that's all I can recollect for now. Feel free to add to the list!!

Scars

2010-05-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Not sure what I am feeling. Definitely not something positive. A concoction of anxiety, stress, fear, self defense. May be a tiny sliver of hope even.

There are somethings which one has to deal with all by theirselves. Others are just simply not a part of the equation. I couldn't ask for better friends in my life. But there are things that are way too deep, way too minute, way too old that one can't define, explain or identify. It just is.

I have come to realize is that it's easier to talk to someone in distress. But it's much more difficult to sit with them in silence. Just be there. No 'I know'. No 'I've been there'. No 'It'll get better'. Just being there. In that regards, I am blessed.

A murky blur between boundaries - role swaps - parent/child; abuser/abused. What does one do when love IS abuse? Who is abused when one just plays the victim? Does 'unintentional' or 'didn't know better' justify it all?

They say old patterns never change. IMO, they do. It's like a leaking faucet. Every single drop is not the same. The level of annoyance exponentially increases. Abuse is pretty much the same. It's amazing what minute things will do to someone and their spirit. Nothing physical. In fact, I think beatings were in a way healthier. There was a release in pain. Small things. Repeated over a span of 22 years. Chisels of words slowly chipping your most inner self. Ingraining self hate.

I read what I have written above and am smiling. It sounds very Freudian. Blame-my-parents-for-everything. In a way it's kind of a cosmic karma joke. There are scars. Deep ones. But I am still standing because of the scars.

The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is not about trauma flashbacks - reliving those moments when the patterns happen, and trust me they already have started. No! I have become too strong for those. Nothing more left to break or damage. What I am afraid of is not whether I will be hurt the same again but will I hurt someone else in my self defense? I am afraid that I may become someone whom I am not to protect who I am.

The urge to just simply walk away is just too much. Not as vengeance. Not as an escape. But just to be. I just want to BE. Live. Love. Laugh. Breathe.

I grew up thinking that duty was a noble trait. Now it just seems plainly vulgar. One does something because it is expected of them. A false altruism (Is there something like non-false altruism?). How can love be expected? The very concept seems absurd and its possibility garish. And what's more sometimes one do everything one's supposed to do - to the letter. Just that. To the letter. Only to the letter.

I do not know where I am going with this post. So will stop here!

Summerbreeze

2010-03-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

For Bhumika Anand by Emiliana Torrini

It might have been a while
Since you've been loved
Like you should be loved

It might have been a while
Since you've been kissed
Like you should be kissed

In tender loving arms
Might be something you miss

Well summerbreeze is blowing through your window
And summerbreeze is blowing through your hair

And something in your eyes that you cannot disguise
Don't tell me it ain't there

It might have been a while
Since you've been loved
By one who really loves you

It might have been a while
Since you could trust
That someone really cares

When people like us
Meant to go 'round in pairs

Summerbreeze is blowing through your window
And summerbreeze is blowing through your hair

Something in your eyes that took me by surprise
Don't tell me that it ain't there

Resolution

2010-01-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

Well I don't know if I will be able to follow my resolution to the T but I think I can use it atleast as a motivation or something I can try. So here it is!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget!" ~ Arundhati Roy

DC

2009-11-23T14:29:00.001-08:00

I am waiting at the Indy airport for the flight to DC. Last week had been quiet eventful to say the least. Got invited to the WH for a ceremony. Not a big deal (Trust me.. It's not false modesty). After a little deliberation, decided to book my tickets. Of course thought about P. But will get back to that. Bought a fancy suit for a whopping $250 (after 40% discount). But it fits perfect and looks like a custom tailored one. So I am ok with it.

Got myself depressed doing what I do the best - analyzing the past. Would it have worked if I had not done that? Or done this? Yada! Yada!! Basically, I was picking emotional scabs. Also have not been interested in anyone since the whole episode - sexually or otherwise. I hope I am super busy in DC that I don't have time to think of him. I will confess that I did think of contacting him - just let him know that I am in DC. Bhumi and others talked some sense into me. So decided not to. (That is till now). The thing is I keep asking myself "Will you take him back if he comes back now?" and the answer is "NO!" So what is the whole point of contacting him and stressing myself about whether he will reply or not. Either way, I am going to feel shitty. So I pray that I don't do anything stupid to hurt myself. Honestly, I am kind of dreading this trip. Scared that I will have pangs of panic about eternal solitude.

Oh btw, my cousin brother got married on Nov 20. I was kind of derading the nag from my parents regarding how everyone's getting married and it's the rightful thing to do and how it's my duty to make my parents happy. Thankfully I just called them on 19 night and dropped the news on them. Dad started crying out of joy and mom said "We're very proud of you. But you should aim to make us proud in all aspects of life!" Jeez. What is going to happen next June is unimaginable!

I truly am a concoction of emotions at the moment. I can't wait to finish this trip already. Have a mountain of work to finish during Thanks Giving break. I really need to suck up and start my applications. And there is a remote possibility of Bhumi visiting me next weekend. So I am really hoping that happens.

Diwali

2009-10-17T00:24:00.001-07:00

Was making diwali sweets today with friends. Endless gossips! Teasing!! Chai!!!

Suddenly remembered my childhood diwalis!!

It would usually start about 3 weeks before diwali. Dad would take my brother and me for purchasing new dresses. First we would go to a muslim tailor. The name of the shop was "Adam's Tailor". He would measure us and give measurements on how much cloth we need to purchase for shirts and pants. Then we would go to a shop and buy the material. T-shirt's were out of the question. And every time I pointed out something I would like, it would be shot down for some reason. So I pretty much played the passive-aggressive card every time. Dad would ask "Do you like this?" and I would say "OK" or "Whatever". Finally, he would pick two choices for me, both of which I would absolutely hate, and would want me to select one with a smiling face. Sometimes I faked. Most times I didn't bother. Somehow, my brother always managed to put his foot down and almost always get whatever he wanted - jeans, t-shirts, shades, belts, caps. I never wanted any of those things in the first place. But the more he got what he wanted, the more I was masochistic on myself. On retrospect, I guess what I was doing was punishing dad. He would force me to like something that he picked because he thought that was best for me. I would passively accept it and show to him that I am completely miserable about it. I would accept his choice but make sure he knows that I don't like it.

Three days before diwali, mom would start making sweets and savories. We would come back from school and help her. This is the most fun part of diwali for me. This meant no studies. This meant sitting in the kitchen slab, drinking chai, tasting the first batch, experimenting with cube shaped gulab jamoons. But all this as usual had to halt if we heard dad approaching. One because if we did not have books in our hands whenever he saw us, that meant trouble. Two till date he thinks boys and kitchens are not meant to be together. So we would scurry if we detect his presence, hide all the evidence and hold our books.

The d(iwali) day. Dad would wake us up early at 4:00 am. Rub gingely oil on our heads and force us to light the first cracker before we go bathe. It would be all beautifully laid out for us. Lamp, agarbathi, chappals, bucket of water, crackers, dustbin. After that, the bathing ceremony would involved washing our hair with a paste made of Shikakai and a green powder called arappu in tamil (botanical name Albizia amara). Our new dresses would be laid out with a pinch of turmeric smeared on the shirt collar and the leg of the pant. Mom would bring us chai and ask me to cheer up and not make a long face. Obviously, that wouldn't happen. Then dad would force me to go out and have fun. I would just sit there watching the other kids. After breakfast, we would all sit in front of the television and watch a debate. All four of us watching TV at the same time happens only this once in a year. If something was funny, then our laughters were always muffled. Kind of like embarassed to laugh in front of the other family member. Then dad would go out to meet his friends and me and my brother would final get to pick what we want to watch.

While the rest of the street gets to eat non-veg on diwali, we wouldn't. Starting the month of Puratassi (Tamil calendar), there would be no non-veg cooked or consumed. This fast would culminate on the day of Diwali when we would go to my gran's home and participate in a pooja. The pooja was usually in the evening and all my uncles, aunts and cousins would be there. After the pooja, gran would make dinner for us all since this is one of the rare occasions where we all meet (The other occasion is the day after pongal). Dad would want us all to go by lunch time. Mom would start going about how gran's place is dirty and how her cooking is unhygenic. Dad would get pissed and they would fight. This happened like clockwork every year. So around 5:00 pm both mom and dad would be pissed, I would be exhausted from being pissed the whole day and my brother would just be happy that he had the TV and crackers all to himself.

We would arrive at gran's and do the pooja. For the first time in the whole day, I would be happy to see my cousins and play with them. This wouldn't last because mom would again make scenes about how she doesn't wants to have dinner there or has a headache or is feeling tired. Post dinner, gran would want us all to stay the night. Obviously that was out of the question. So we would all go back home and try to sleep.

Depressing picture, isn't it? Strangely, I realized today that I miss making sweets with mom. I realize that despite his forceful nature, dad really worked his ass off to make sure my brother and I had what he only ever dreamt of. It was ofcourse not what we wanted. He came from a family where one meal a day was considered lucky. So he presumed new clothes and crackers is all we wanted and that would make us happy. Strangely it just made me sad. I don't know why.

I definitely am not longing for a diwali with them. But I do miss them and do realize that they loved me and worked really hard to make sure I am ok. I guess we were like strangers who knew each other well. Neither of us never really understood the other.

Out

2009-10-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

So today is Oct 11 - the National Coming Out day in the US. Whether we need a particular day which is marked nation wide to come out is a political agenda in intself. 21 years before it was vital to have such a day. And sadly it still is.

It's a very funny (nonetheless utterly gut wrenching) process - the process of coming out. IMHO, coming out is just a start. There are various levels and ways in which one comes out. You keep coming out, even from beyond the grave. To me, it is a strange combination of something deeply core to one's inner self and something out there in the society one live's in. A combination of opposites. Millions of books, songs, movies, plays have been made and will be made. Yet, one cannot capture or express the full intensity of it. The fear, the joy, the vulnerability, the pride, the responsibility, the doubt, the connection - like everything that is worth, it is beyond words.

I think I am most blessed when it comes to friends. I cannot ask for more supportive, loving and understanding friends. I, truly, am gifted in that sense. When I came out, they were there for me. Every single minute of it. Prayers, thoughts, wishes, everything I could ever imagine of and more. But all said and done, there is this impending sense of loneliness. This was something that no one would ever understand unless they go through it. I just want to be very clear that I am not blaming any of my friends. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am. I am grateful. But it's like having a baby. Unless you are pregnant, you will never know what it feels like. Even one pregnant lady cannot feel what the other is going through. She can understand the intensity of it. Appreciate the beauty of it. But can never experience the same experience as the other. This is not a simple "You can't experience someone else's experience."

When I came out to a few of my friends, they went "What's the big deal!". I understand where they're coming from. I appreciate that they think it doesn't change anything between us. I am grateful that they still love me the same. But if you really think about it, the equation dramatically changes. Can you imagine the amount of trauma and stress someone has to go through before they decide to tell their best friend? It's not a simple "If they're truly your best friend, they'll accept you!" Coming out is NOT letting others know whom you sleep with. IMO, coming out is accepting to yourself who you are. So when I myself am so unsure about a particular lifestyle and decide to share my vulnerable most private thoughts to a friend, I think it deserves more than a "What's the big deal!". What that person needs is NOT a "I don't care!". Again to be very clear, I am not dissing anyone in particular. All my friends have been the pillars of support in my life. Even Bhumi whose first reaction was "What's the big deal!", later came to me and said "I can see why it IS a big deal!". So, dear non-existent readers of this blog (other than Bhumi), next time when one of your friends come out to you, I hope you don't say "What's the big deal!"

I love it when people ask me questions after I come out. Shwe, to whom I first came out to started with a "Sweety, are you sure?". The questions range anywhere from "How do you know?" to "What do you guys actually do?". The point is it doesn't matter what you ask. Just ask. It shows that you care. It shows that you are genuinely interested. The level of private questions may vary depending on the indivduals and their relationships, but nonetheless ask. If your friend has decided that you are important enough in their life to share their most private secrets, then the chances are that they won't be offended if you ask them questions about it. So ask! All that you need to know, ask! For crying out loud, my mom asked me whether anal sex would warrant AIDS! But then again I have a dysfunctional family. But what family isn't dysfunctional? Anyways..... The point is, ask!

And for all the people in the rainbow wagon, happy coming out day! (Whatever that means!). And I push the "Submit" button as a tribute to all those brave souls who have made one of the toughest decisions of their life and more importantly to all those kind souls who have stood by them!

Prayer

2009-10-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Even though I have come to realize that breaking coconuts and burning candles as bribes may not necessarily work, prayers and wishes sent out to the cosmos may somehow reach the person.

1) A friend is in terrible pain. Psycho-somatic pain. Stress eating her from inside. I pray that may all your ailments wither like the autumn leaves. I wish to hear that thundering, bosom heaving laughter of yours again.
2) A friend's mom passed away last week. There is nothing I can ever say to console/comfort her. I pray that you find strength and meaning in life. I wish to see your zest for life again like the buds of the purple flowers that bloom in winter.
3) A friend has lost the smile in her soul. It's been ages since I have seen her smile. I pray that your life be filled with all the love that you deserve. I wish to see you smile from the heart like the warmth of the morning sun.
4) And for myself. For, I feel lost in life, it's meaning and the will to see it through. Please help me remember that life is just worth living because people love me. Please help me remember that the clouds will pass and the sun will shine again.

To whatever that is out there, I pray to fill our hearts with love and hope.

Karma

2009-08-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

The phrase "What goes around, comes around!" is an all too familiar phrase for me - especially in my so called dating life! It's kinda ridiculous if you think about it. One would think that one would learn from past experiences. Patterns become pathways!

A year before I met X through a friend of mine. X found me attractive and wanted to get in touch with me. I said ok. We chatted. I got lavished with compliments and attention. I batted my eye lashes and purred around. To be honest, I loved the attention. But atleast I was honest enough to say "I don't want to start anything serious because I will be flying out of the country for my Masters". What is it with gay men and chasing? X said he really liked me and wanted to talk to me everyday. And if I missed his call one day, he would freak out. Finally I decided to let him down "gently". Is that truly possible? And if it is, is that better? It hurts all the bloody same.

Told X that "I like him too... But I don't want to start anything serious with him because I will be leaving the country soon." Tears! Guilt! Anger! To be fair, I did give it a chance. I bought him tickets to Bangalore. He visited me for the weekend. But I just couldn't bring myself to even kiss him. He was a really sweet nice guy. But I just didn't feel that way about him. I cannot help but notice how righteous it seems when you say "I don't feel that way about you!" to someone else. But when the same thing is said to you, it hurts like hell! And the bitch is I know that the other guy is trying to be honest and telling me the truth. Just makes it even worse. Not because he said "No", but because he is honest as well. I mean how many honest men do you find on the streets these days? Wouldn't it be easy if the person saying "No" is a bastard? When X tried desperately to talk to me, I cut him off. I wouldn't pick his calls or reply to his texts. He finally asked his friend to call me and tell me that X was suffering and that I need to talk to him. I did. Told him "I think you're getting attached to me and I have made it very clear that I don't want that. So I think it's better if we close the communication channels for a while." He said "Please don't do this to me!". But I knew that I had to. Unfortunately, I am not a stone hearted bastard who can milk attention for someone else without giving a eff about what the other person is going through. I really was worried that I am leading someone on and felt burdened. Did not want to do it. If there is one thing I could change, I propbably would change "I like you too" to "I like you but not in the same way as you like me". Well all said and done, after a few months we are chat friends now.

Fast forward a year, I am X. Just got told that "I like you too. But can't take this any forward because of distance!" I can't help but think that it has come back to bite me back. Karma!

All my friends think that "He's not the one for you!" I don't know if that is somehow supposed to make me feel better. I am not blaming them. I am thankful that they are there for me and looking out for my happiness. I want to believe that it's gonna happen for me someday. I want to believe that someday, somewhere, someone will like me for who I am and I will like them for who they are. But right now the last candle is flickering and the storm is blowing hard. I feel it would be easy to give up. Only I don't know how to give up.

In The End

2008-12-16T10:02:00.001-08:00

"In the end" from the movie Shortbus

The Origin Of Love

2008-12-06T21:08:00.001-08:00

For my family

2008-11-01T15:42:00.001-07:00

My first post in this blog: For my family!