Monday, 13 December 2010

Feelings

Feelings! Nothing more than feelings!
Feelings! Nothing more than feelings!
Feelings of love!

Teardrops falling down on my face;
Trying to forget all my feelings of love.

For all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never seen it.
It can't possibly come again.

Feelings, again in my heart.
Feelings that I've never met you.
Feelings that I've never even saw you.

Feelings! I swear I've had them all my life.
I wish I've never lived this long.
Hope this feeling never comes again.

Feelings, like I've never lost you.
And feelings like I've never had you;
Here in my arms.

Feelings!!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Aidan or Big

Aidan:
~ Treats me with respect
~ Gives more than I can ever give him
~ Calm and peaceful
~ Sex is at its best pleasant
~ Conversations are polite
~ Is more invested in me than I am in him

Big:
~ Zsa-zsa-zsu baby!
~ When we have a conversation, it's fireworks.
~ Super flaky and immature
~ Can NEVER settle with me. Already in an "open" relationship.

Aidan or Big? That is the question!

PS: Or both?

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Changed

I've changed in more ways than I care to account for in the past 2 years - some willingly; most out of necessity. But that's not what this post is about. I would like to view the changes through the eyes of my friends and family whom I am meeting after 2 years for a supposed vacation for 2 months. I have tried to keep my interpretations to the minimum and just state their views as such. Here goes the list:

  • You've changed a lot. [Read in offended tone]

  • You've changed a lot. [Read in approving tone]

  • You've become an intellectual. [Read in disgusted tone]

  • You've become an intellectual. [Read in admiring tone]

  • You've become arrogant.

  • You've become less obnoxious.

  • You've become quiter.

  • You've lost your soul.

  • You've grown up.

  • You've put on weight.

  • You've become thinner.

  • You've become fairer.

  • You've become darker.

  • You've become an American.

  • You've lost your roots.

  • You've become westernized.

  • You've become worldly.

  • You've become selfish.

  • You've become stubborn.

  • You've become understanding.

  • You've become diplomatic.

  • You've become tactless.

  • You've made us proud.

  • You've brought us shame.

  • You're headed towards doom.

  • You're headed towards something great.

  • You're a good son.

  • You're an ungrateful child.

  • You're confused.

  • You're clear in what you want.

  • You're strong.

  • You're naive.

  • You're brave.

  • You're a coward.

  • You're an egotist.

  • You look good.

  • You used to look good.

  • You look younger.

  • You look old.

  • You love your parents.

  • You don't love your parents.

  • Your life is immoral because you do not adhere to social norms.

  • Your life is wrong because you choose whom to love and how to love them.

  • Your life is not complete because you're not in a relationship with someone.

  • Your life is selfish because you do not care about what other people think of you.

  • Your life is sad because you do your own chores and prepare your own meals everyday.

  • Your life is vain because you are materialistic and do not surrender yourself to the Divine.

  • Your life is miserable because you are staying away from friends and family among a bunch of foreigners.

  • Your life is meaningless because you spend your time brooding over books instead of attending to human relationships.

  • Your life is purposeless because your work is self-serving and does not serve the purpose of higher good for humankind.



So that's all I can recollect for now. Feel free to add to the list!!

Monday, 24 May 2010

Scars

Not sure what I am feeling. Definitely not something positive. A concoction of anxiety, stress, fear, self defense. May be a tiny sliver of hope even.

There are somethings which one has to deal with all by theirselves. Others are just simply not a part of the equation. I couldn't ask for better friends in my life. But there are things that are way too deep, way too minute, way too old that one can't define, explain or identify. It just is.

I have come to realize is that it's easier to talk to someone in distress. But it's much more difficult to sit with them in silence. Just be there. No 'I know'. No 'I've been there'. No 'It'll get better'. Just being there. In that regards, I am blessed.

A murky blur between boundaries - role swaps - parent/child; abuser/abused. What does one do when love IS abuse? Who is abused when one just plays the victim? Does 'unintentional' or 'didn't know better' justify it all?

They say old patterns never change. IMO, they do. It's like a leaking faucet. Every single drop is not the same. The level of annoyance exponentially increases. Abuse is pretty much the same. It's amazing what minute things will do to someone and their spirit. Nothing physical. In fact, I think beatings were in a way healthier. There was a release in pain. Small things. Repeated over a span of 22 years. Chisels of words slowly chipping your most inner self. Ingraining self hate.

I read what I have written above and am smiling. It sounds very Freudian. Blame-my-parents-for-everything. In a way it's kind of a cosmic karma joke. There are scars. Deep ones. But I am still standing because of the scars.

The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is not about trauma flashbacks - reliving those moments when the patterns happen, and trust me they already have started. No! I have become too strong for those. Nothing more left to break or damage. What I am afraid of is not whether I will be hurt the same again but will I hurt someone else in my self defense? I am afraid that I may become someone whom I am not to protect who I am.

The urge to just simply walk away is just too much. Not as vengeance. Not as an escape. But just to be. I just want to BE. Live. Love. Laugh. Breathe.

I grew up thinking that duty was a noble trait. Now it just seems plainly vulgar. One does something because it is expected of them. A false altruism (Is there something like non-false altruism?). How can love be expected? The very concept seems absurd and its possibility garish. And what's more sometimes one do everything one's supposed to do - to the letter. Just that. To the letter. Only to the letter.

I do not know where I am going with this post. So will stop here!



Sunday, 14 March 2010

Summerbreeze

For Bhumika Anand by Emiliana Torrini

It might have been a while
Since you've been loved
Like you should be loved

It might have been a while
Since you've been kissed
Like you should be kissed

In tender loving arms
Might be something you miss

Well summerbreeze is blowing through your window
And summerbreeze is blowing through your hair

And something in your eyes that you cannot disguise
Don't tell me it ain't there

It might have been a while
Since you've been loved
By one who really loves you

It might have been a while
Since you could trust
That someone really cares

When people like us
Meant to go 'round in pairs

Summerbreeze is blowing through your window
And summerbreeze is blowing through your hair

Something in your eyes that took me by surprise
Don't tell me that it ain't there


Saturday, 2 January 2010

Resolution

Well I don't know if I will be able to follow my resolution to the T but I think I can use it atleast as a motivation or something I can try. So here it is!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget!" ~ Arundhati Roy

Monday, 23 November 2009

DC

I am waiting at the Indy airport for the flight to DC. Last week had been quiet eventful to say the least. Got invited to the WH for a ceremony. Not a big deal (Trust me.. It's not false modesty). After a little deliberation, decided to book my tickets. Of course thought about P. But will get back to that. Bought a fancy suit for a whopping $250 (after 40% discount). But it fits perfect and looks like a custom tailored one. So I am ok with it.

Got myself depressed doing what I do the best - analyzing the past. Would it have worked if I had not done that? Or done this? Yada! Yada!! Basically, I was picking emotional scabs. Also have not been interested in anyone since the whole episode - sexually or otherwise. I hope I am super busy in DC that I don't have time to think of him. I will confess that I did think of contacting him - just let him know that I am in DC. Bhumi and others talked some sense into me. So decided not to. (That is till now). The thing is I keep asking myself "Will you take him back if he comes back now?" and the answer is "NO!" So what is the whole point of contacting him and stressing myself about whether he will reply or not. Either way, I am going to feel shitty. So I pray that I don't do anything stupid to hurt myself. Honestly, I am kind of dreading this trip. Scared that I will have pangs of panic about eternal solitude.

Oh btw, my cousin brother got married on Nov 20. I was kind of derading the nag from my parents regarding how everyone's getting married and it's the rightful thing to do and how it's my duty to make my parents happy. Thankfully I just called them on 19 night and dropped the news on them. Dad started crying out of joy and mom said "We're very proud of you. But you should aim to make us proud in all aspects of life!" Jeez. What is going to happen next June is unimaginable!

I truly am a concoction of emotions at the moment. I can't wait to finish this trip already. Have a mountain of work to finish during Thanks Giving break. I really need to suck up and start my applications. And there is a remote possibility of Bhumi visiting me next weekend. So I am really hoping that happens.